


Power and Freedom

by exoseok



Series: Orphic [2]
Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Disassociation, Established Relationship, F/M, Manipulation, Manipulative Relationship, Obsessive Behavior, Possessive Behavior, Relationship Issues, Religious Cults, Sequel, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, light is an asshole
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:54:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27810328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exoseok/pseuds/exoseok
Summary: The Kira Cult is building a shrine.Light's grandma is expecting kids.You dropped your phone in a toilet.Why couldn't things just be normal?
Relationships: Yagami Light/Reader
Series: Orphic [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2034844
Comments: 8
Kudos: 76





	1. March 9th

**Author's Note:**

> idk why i decided to write this, but i did bc i have the most fun writing this. that's all.

March, 9th. 2010.

God, you hated your handwriting. You’d think that after two months with definitely more than fifty entries and your new purchase of some fountain pens, your journal would start to look something like the movies, but, no, you had the handwriting of someone who just started studying for the TOEIC. It was so long since you’ve regularly written in English too. Light said your Japanese would always need work, so he ordered you to use it as much as possible even if there was an option to utilize your mother tongue. However, when he caught sight of your English penmanship, he admonished you again. You can never win with him.

_ Ever since I began to journal in the morning instead of before bed, I find my words brighter, clearer than the ones crafted after dusk. Is it because it is in the mornings when I feel most free? When it is bright, and I am alone? When eyes are not watching, waiting for me to mess up so yet another simple freedom is stolen from me? Yes, it is these moments in which I can look out the window and dream of lost moments and broken memories. I can affix myself to false realities of love and hope so that when he gets home, I can believe what I already know is false. _

_ It’s hell. To stay in the middle. To know what is real yet to believe what is fake. Ignorance is truly bliss, but I am not ignorant. If I were ignorant, I would be dead. I have full confidence Light would have never kept me around should I have hopelessly believed in fleeting words and heartless touches. I think he likes the misery. The constant back-and-forth I have with two realities. The catch-22 I am caught in. Fall into one reality and live in misery. Fall into another and risk sacrificing myself for false happiness. What it comes down to is blissful ignorance or soul-breaking reality. It is only a matter of time before I have to decide. I could only toe the line for so long. _

You groaned. It was one of those times that it physically hurt to write. Shutting your journal to prevent any accumulation of frustration, you then rubbed your nose between your palms and exhaled.

The house was stagnant; the air remained still whenever it was just you present. Whenever Light was around, however, something in it would shift. Like an entirely different atmosphere coming down upon your residence, you would all of a sudden become hyperaware of how you looked, how you sat, how you walked around, how you ate, how you existed. Though the fear of death has long passed, something else settled in its place. A new fear. What’s next? What's he going to do now? Light could only stand still for so long.

Or perhaps he was where he wanted to be. Much like the years after L’s death where he did not make any moves to publicly claim godhood, Light could know that doing so was dangerous. Still, to believe he was satiated where he was now would be a blatant fallacy. Of course, he was not content. Things in motion tended to stay in motion. A man well-fed will become hungry again one day, and it could be any minute from now. It could be when he walked through the damn door, tomorrow morning, next month, next year… You shook your head. Better to have some coffee before thinking too much.

“Good morning!” Rose made a habit of calling you in the morning. Whoever her new boyfriend was would go to work around the same time Light did, so she made the excuse that two ‘at-home babes’ should connect regularly, and since you’ve turned down all of her invitations to go out, she resorted to constant phone calls and texts. “Sato almost slept through his alarm this morning. Apparently, he has another big meeting with the bank’s CEO today about the bank location. Good thing I was there.” You hummed.

“Light’s never woken up late,” you stated.

“Huh? Never?” You flipped mindlessly through the paper Light brought in in the morning. “I don’t think he makes any mistakes.” You stopped the page mid-flip.

“Me neither,” you replied, and let the page fall from your fingers. “How is Sato, anyway?” Rose sighed.

“So good. You’d know if you ever took up one of my offers to go out! What do you do that you’re so busy? I know Light is always doing something, but since you quit, you can’t be that busy. Is everything alright?” You wondered if she was thinking about all the shit you brought back with you when you both still lived in your mom’s house, when you'd so silent for extended period of time or just simply cry and curse. Rose thought that your only changes were your relationship status and Oliver’s life. Perhaps she saw it was a possibility for you to still think as you did. How would she react if she knew you were miles below your lowest?

_ How would she react if she knew anything?  _ This intrusive idea tended to bounce around in your head far too often. Sometimes, you think it ricochet so loud in your skull that Light sensed it next to you. Though, you think he sensed everything. Nonetheless, there were moments where you almost did let something slip. The fate of your father, firstly. As far as she and your mother knew, he was still where he has been most of your lives. Not that it would be hard to pin his death on those he trampled on the way to the top, but the fact you knew him at all would be another lie to twist yourself in. Still, your heart ached at the ignorance Rose lived in. You didn’t know if it was out of pity or jealousy.

“Yes, yes, I’m fine. I promise. Just busy budgeting and numbers like that.” A blatant lie, but a lie she was unlikely to follow up on because it was too-

“Boring! Why don’t we go for brunch?” You grinned tightly. Shit.

“I can’t. I won’t be able to go out for a little while, actually. I’ll let you know when my schedule frees up, okay?” Rose groaned. You could hear her physically shifting on the other side of the line.

"You stink!” You sighed.

“It’s not like we can’t talk! Just call whenever, and I’ll do the same. Just don’t really have the means to go out right now.” Rose whined but ended up agreeing to your terms with little interrogation.

“Anyway, have you started watching the new season of-” you tuned her out, opting to focus on the newspaper. Occasionally, you would ask a vague question tangentially related to her rambling or gift her with a hum or affirmation. The local press was your main, unbiased source to the outside world currently. With the hesitancy for Light to allow you freedom, you did not get out all too often. Now, that’s not to say you were explicitly not allowed to leave. There was no written or spoken rule against it. In fact, there were no written or spoken rules at all.

They all hung in the air. They slipped in the pauses between his words and sentences. They gleamed in his eyes when they bored into you late at night. They all spoke in the silence. Their consequences flashed behind your eyes when you slept. Though just manifestations of your mind, you were not going to disobey your primitive instincts.

How Light was able to control you without a single word, without lifting a single finger, you would never know.

As your eyes continued to trace over the bolded, embellished headlines of the paper, you froze. Of course, all types of media have dedicated segments to Kira. Misa’s and L’s broadcasts along with continued judicial effort made Kira as much of a figurehead as those who put him on the pedestal of a god. Whether the source chose to normalize it or openly speak against him was a different story. Attention was attention in the end, but this…

**Tokyo City Council Approves Budget and Plans to Build Kira Designated Place of Worship. Large Amount of Money Reportedly from Private Donors and Small Donations**.

“...Hello? Earth to Y/N?”

“Sorry, Rose. I-I have to go. I have to make a few calls to our - uh - accountant. I’ll call you back sometime later.” She scoffed.

“Sure you will. I’ll call you later then.” You hung up and slammed your phone down against the granite top. WIth shaking hands, you lifted the paper closer to your face, eyes trailing over the words once, twice, three times to make sure your brain was actually comprehending the words correctly. There’s… there’s no way.

“The first of its kind,” you read aloud, “it will be over 40,000 square feet including the designed garden and exterior plans. It’s indicated that the end date for construction won’t be for another two years, and, upon completion, will be free and open to the public. More news to come soon as information is made available.” _ Holy shit, _ that thing’s going to be huge!

The plans illustrated beneath were simple, yet intricate and detailed. A statue would be erected in front of a tri-pillared structure. You guessed the structure would be the actual building they would use for whatever worship, though there were no details about the interior. Around the statue, the gardens, spotted with different artworks, fountains, benches, and flowerbeds, were cut with stone paths lined by trees, snaking through the greenery. A few other buildings lined the perimeter. Places dedicated to artwork, to stories and tales, and to drop names in hope Kira hears their prayers.

_ Fucking sick. _

Your hands tightened, and the paper crinkled until you suddenly released it back onto the table. As disgusted as you were, you were not surprised. It was only a matter of time until the population would normalize and adjust to Kira’s unregulated presence. A religion only needs three members to believe, and Kira had millions if not _ billions  _ worldwide. Commoditized on memorabilia, Kira was not just a god to believe exists, but one to know exists and to know is watching. People pushed themselves to make it known they were friends of Kira.

Thus born the  _ Friends of Kira _ , a cult - or organization, as Rose labels it - spearheading the both underground and mainstream Kira movements. Primarily in Japan due to the suspicion of Kira’s origin to be here, they severely cut down other websites and media relating to Kira and conjoined them to create the main source for everything Kira.

They were far easier to ignore online. Though their name was not dropped in the article, their scent was all over it. Private donors. Friends of Kira members weren’t dressed in robes and didn’t have matching tattoos amongst all its members. They were disguised, just as supporters were before they gave themselves a label, among the common man. It could be a school janitor, a psychologist, an IT crew member, or a corporate CEO. Countless benefactors tied with them to enable such a project to be initiated.

However, despite their growing popularity and Roselyn’s drawling about them, you didn’t know their exact beliefs. You didn’t know if they saw him as a god watching above the clouds or walking among men, if they wrote their own book about his origins based of speculations and vague accounts or are currently searching for information within their ever-expanding network, or if there was one singular leader or a group? 

Maybe you should ask him.

You stood from the barstool and glanced over to the inviting recycling bin.  _ No _ , you decided. He would be suspicious if you discarded it when you knew he read it after work. You considered ripping out the individual page, but you didn’t trust your tearing skills to make a clean cut and figured Light would notice the sudden jump in the page’s contents. Perhaps you would be lucky and he wouldn’t acknowledge it, or, most likely, he’ll find out through the voices at work, After all, he was supposed to be catching him still.

Light must have purposely hired the idiots he admonished the moment he walks through the door. How they haven’t noticed the lack of progress in comparison to the former task force, to L and Near, or why they haven't thought about how Kira hasn’t killed Light yet, you have no idea. You gave them the benefit of the doubt that there was no record of the warehouse incident and that they probably pitied Light for the horrors Kira put him through in that he won’t go as far as L or the previous task force did.

Dead dad. Disabled sister. Grieving mother.

Probably gave them the talk about how lives aren’t expendable, about how he won’t risk losing good people again to Kira like he lost his previous task force in undoubtedly an incident he made up. Maybe he even empathized with their fear saying he was terrified and traumatized himself, but promised to deliver Kira to justice and to seek revenge on those Kira took while making sure no more families lose their loved ones before coming home and taking countless people from their loved ones.

A sick game those he works with will never win.

You sighed and flattened out the wrinkles in the paper. Just what you would need is Light inquiring why the paper was crinkled with that knowing look in eyes. You hated giving him the satisfaction, but he usually coaxs it out of you one way or another. Light just had that kind of power over you. 

You paced back and forth in space between the half-wall that separated the kitchen from the living room, hands itching to turn on the television and see if the channels that were pro-Kira covered the news.  _ No!  _ You had to distract yourself somehow. There had to be kids struggling with calculus online. You could spend your time keeping your math skills sharp and working them out for them so little whoever didn’t fail the calculus II, or you could try cooking the recipe Roselyn shared with you a few weeks ago.  _ Do we even have the ingredients?  _ Your eyes flickered to the door, then to the clock and back to the door. 

He wouldn’t be back for six more hours, and grocery store was only a short walk from your place and you only needed a few things! There was no way he would find out, right? Not unless you were obvious about it. It would be quick and easy, and it would be extremely efficient in avoiding the news. 

No, it was nothing like meeting with Rose! If you agreed to go out and spend time with your sister, twenty minutes and the grocery store would turn into five hours listening to her go on about Sato and her, about her non-cult activities, and about job-hunting. (even though you both knew it was a formality to convince Sato she still wanted to work.) 

You would be in and out! No problem at all. 

You hurried up the stairs to dress presentable. Even though your entire time was spent at home, Light would visible be annoyed if you were in your pajamas all day, so it wasn’t unusual for you to wear clothes you’d rather  _ not  _ wear when lounging around the house. Zipping your jacket up, you pocketed your wallet and stopped inches from the door.

Excitement shook your hands, and a broad smile stretched across your features as fresh air hit you. The ambience of cars, birds, people,  _ life  _ filled the air. Careful to lock the door, you locked the key in a zippered compartment in your wallet and reached the sidewalk. You smiled at passersby, vaguely remembering them as neighbors you met when Light and you first moved into your place. Thankfully, none pulled you aside for conversation outside of the informal greeting. It made getting to the store quicker. 

New flavors of brands you recognized lined the shelves. People most likely sent you a second glance as how you gasped at items and smiled at them not so unlike how someone would smile at a baby. You were still conscious of time however. No amount of cereal flavors or variety of ice cream could keep your mind off what would occur if you were to return home to an occupied house. Following your list, you gathered the necessary ingredients in the smallest size they came in (Light would notice leftovers of food he never bought), and for the smallest portion of food so there was little mess to clean up and so you can eat it in its entirety before Light came home and cooked something far healthier than the concoction on your mind. 

Sometimes you missed the grease of your homeland. 

Your phone rang. You nearly dropped the carry-on basket in your hand.  _ There’s no way.  _ You anxiously looked around.  _ You were so fucked.  _ Nearly knocking over the elderly couple admiring a hefty watermelon, you busted into the single bathroom and locked the door behind you. Nearly ripping the fabric of your pocket open, you answered the call concealing your rapid heartbeat and struggling breaths. 

“Hello?” 

"There you are. It only took five rings. What were you doing?” You swallowed and glanced around. 

“Shitting.” 

“Don’t be so vulgar, and you always…  _ shit  _ with your phone in hand.” You cursed yourself, scratching at the back of your scalp rapidly.  _ Why didn’t I make an alibi before I left in case he called?  _ You even knew he called every so often during the day. 

“I was debating on answering.” It would mildly piss him off. You knew it would, but the anger for that compared to the anger coupled with the truth was far better. 

“Oh? You were really considering ignoring my call?” 

“Well, did you want to hear the intimate sounds of it falling into the toilet and it flushing?” Light paused. 

“Fine, whatever. Look, I need a favor.” Oh, goodie. “I need you to go into the office and grab a file for me.” Your heart contorted on itself and plummeted.  _ This was not happening. There was no way.  _ “Are you there?” 

“Yeah, I’m shitting. Can I call you back when I’m done?” He groaned. 

“I said don’t be so vulgar, Y/N, or I just may wash your mouth out with a bar of soap, hm? Fine. Call back quick.” The line dropped and you looked around frantically. 

_ What the fuck were you going to do?  _ There was no way you could make it back to your place in a reasonable enough time it would take a human to finish their business. If you took the phone anywhere else, he would hear the noises in the back that definitely were  _ not  _ from the TV or anywhere in the house. 

There was  _ also  _ no way you could fake your task. You had no idea what he was looking for, and you wouldn’t be able to make up information or location without seeing it.  _ Fuck!  _ You needed time. How could you buy yourself time? You looked around and your eyes landed on the toilet, then glanced back at your phone and back to the toilet. 

You were fucked, but there was no time to deliberate. You dropped the device into the toilet and let ir slosh around while you grabbed a fistful of paper towels to do your best to stay sanitized as your hand plunged and retrieved it. Leaving the basket in the bathroom for an employee inevitably to handle, you sprinted across the store and outside. 

You’ve always hated running, but at the same time regretted never doing sports through high school.  _ Busy juggling around the guilt of befriending a serial killer. _ Your throat and lungs burned, calves screaming for you to stop at every step, but visions of Light finding out you were not home meant far more pain. Your hands shook to insert the key into the lock and open the door, and your feet almost toppled beneath you in front of the landline. Light’s work number engrained in your head made it easy to dial, and you inhaled to steady your breath. 

“You’re a nuisance. What took so long, and why are you calling on the home phone?” Light hissed out. 

“I...I…”

"Are you  _ gasping  _ for breath? What did you do, Y/N?”

“Nothing! I didn’t do anything! I… well that’s not entirely true. I was,” you inhaled deeply, “rushing to call you back, but I juggled the phone in my hand and it… fell.” 

“Fell?” You nodded as though he was physically there with you. “Don’t tell me you…” 

“Right… into the toilet, so I was freaking out and just completely… my mind shifted. I’m breathing so hard because I was  _ crying _ .” Light sighed. 

“It’s  _ fine.  _ Calm down, Y/N. It’s nothing to get worked up about. It’s old anyway. I’ll just buy you another one. That can’t be the reason why you’re so worked up.” Your head fell back against the wall.  _ Why will he never let up?  _

“I was… scared. I didn’t want you angry.” 

“Have you reverted to a child. Y/N? Is your brain just for interior decoration? You inconvenience both yourself and me for stupid reasons. I don’t know what is with you today, but pull yourself together. You’re on the wireless line, correct?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Good. Go to my office.” You flinched at the bite in his voice, but followed quickly. You wanted nothing more to hang up and wallow in self-pity. You opened the double doors to the expansive space. Dark wooded furniture lined the area with a single bay window letting in the light from the backyard. Small plants and books stocked the shelves. You were sure if you ran a finger along any surface, you would not pick up a single dust mite. A few inlit candles spoke of the reminiscence of the scent. “Are you there?”

“Yeah. What do you need?” 

“Go to my desk.” His desk was the center of the room with a single antique desk lamp and a few books clamped between organizers along the perimeter. “The drawers on the left of the chair. Open up the bottom one.” Manila folders packed said drawer. “They’re in alphabetical order. I need the one labeled ‘Uz 2011-2012.’” The file contained nothing you recognized or could make out. You answered the few questions he had on it. “That’s all I need. I should be home a little earlier than usual today. Be ready for me, hm?” He hung up and you heaved a sigh of relief. You plopped onto the leather computer chair, setting the phone on the desk. 

It was nice to know life still hated you. 

You looked around the room, using your heels to lightly spin in the chair. Light’s office, though not restricted, you simply did not frequent. It was too…  _ him.  _ You’d compare it to his childhood bedroom on steroids. Every file, every book, every inch was clean and organized. Even the white carpet had no stains, mind whatever dirt you trekked in with you. Also, you were pretty certain  _ it  _ was in here. Not in plain sight, of course, but sometimes he would do his  _ work  _ in here, or if he came out with it, it would be from this direction of the house. 

Being in its very vicinity gave you chills. 

Though it was not the same as the one that used to be on his desk back then. Though black and devoid of text besides the label, which was not in English as his original one was, its haunted aura was the same. Even more so, since Misa’s hands were the ones that used to frequent it. 

You were still confused about it all. How the notebook Misa used wasn’t the shinigami that followed her around’s, but another that died protecting her from death and how that shinigami’s notebook was burned after its death, and how the one he used _ also  _ wasn’t Ryuk’s, but one Ryuk stole. Then, there was a million transactions between him, Mikami, the Yotsuba Group, Near, a fake notebook occurred  _ somewhere  _ in that mess, whoever Mello was, and who knows who else you’re missing. 

You only did what he told you.

… 

“Here,” he said not so long after the Yellowbox warehouse incident. Outstreched was a familiar black notebook. “I need you to give this to me once I hand this,” he brought out his own, “over. Selfish shinigami always wants two notebooks. Then, give it back to me. Got it?” By the sharp pierce of his eyes, Light was  _ dead  _ serious. “I’m putting a lot of trust in you. Don’t fail me.” He turned his back to you and talked with the invisible Ryuk. Your attention was too focused on the leather in your hands to pay attention until he regarded you once more.

“Y/N,” he breathed out. “S-sorry, I don’t really remember what I was doing here. A-are you alright? You look really spooked.” Light smiled gently. “It’s alright. I’m here. Nothing bad can happen when I’m around.”  _ You are the bad,  _ left unspoken on your lips. You could only stare shocked at the innocent eyes before you. 

“Light?” He laughed. 

“Yes, love?” You throat constricted and grip tightening on the notebook in your hand. Light closed the distance between you two and ran his thumbs along your cheeks to collect the sparse tears on your cheeks. “Hey, it’s alright. Everything is going to be okay.” His lips were soft against your forehead, your brows, your nose, your cheeks, the corner of your lips. “Tell me what’s wrong.” His arms encircled your waist and you cried into the shoulder of his jacket. One of them left your waist to bring his hand up to pet your head gently. Light cooed into your ear soft words and you sobbed harder. “Come on. We should get back home.” He parted from you, but not before leaving a sweet kiss fully on your lips. “We can talk there.” He stepped backwards and extended an arm out to you. 

You had to end it here. It’ll hurt far less now than later. You met his hand with the notebook in your own, and watched his eyes widen just for a moment before they narrowed, before his smile grew sinister, his very features sharper than minutes ago. You let the book go and wiped your eyes with the back of your now-free hand. 

“What’s wrong, love?” Light asked, malice now relaced in his words. He reached forth once more to cup your jaw with both hands and slant his lips onto yours. With evil in his mouth, he tasted different than before. Light broke apart with a small groan of satisfaction. It morphed into a breathy, high-pitched chuckle against your lips. “Oh, you’re so good for me.” 

…

Light was free to live unregulated as Kira. Without the promise of death at his shoulder, the notebook was now the property of the human world. Something that was fortunate enough to work out as it has. 

You rose from the chair once you caught your breath. The sooner you got out of this room, the better, lest more unwanted memories resurface. Grabbing the phone, you reached and pushed the heavy doors open, leaving whatever lies in that room alone. 

You were reading on the couch when you heard Light’s footsteps outside. You jumped, even though there was nothing to hide since your phone was, in fact, water damaged on the table in front of you. Exhaling your nerves out, you settling in and waited for him to merge through the door. Though, he paused as he turned the knob and nudged the door open. His eyes seemed to be stuck on the knob in his hand before they shot up to meet you. You grinned tightly and watched him finally resume his regular entry, abandoning his shoes, jacket, and bag in the closet. 

Footsteps echoed through the room. His eyes flickered to you, to the phone on the table, back to you, then over to the kitchen. His hand loosened the tie around his neck, tugging on it before unbuttoning the first two buttons of his shirt, revealing the dip of his collarbone underneath. Wordlessly, he trotted up the stairs, and you released the breath you were holding. 

Something was off. The tension in the room was too thick for him not to be thinking something, suspecting something. Of course, you have him all the reason to, staring at him like a child afraid to get spanked. You shut the book in your hands and opted to turn on the TV to the show Rose raved about to you earlier. 

Shit. You’d have to call her later. 

You heard Light return to the main floor and shuffle around behind you. Focusing on the TV wasn’t enough to capture your full attention. Your muscles clenched when you heard him approach from the side. 

“Y/N,” he called. “How was your day?”  _ Oh, he’s pissed.  _

“You know well enough,” you replied, lowering the volume on the television and nodding to the sunken, malfunctioning device. He didn’t even acknowledge it; he focused on you instead. 

“Really?” He hummed, fingering his shirt collar. “Weather was nice today, wasn’t it?” You swallowed. Light was testing you.  _ There’s no way he knew,  _ but he just wanted you to be the one to admit it.  _ That satisfaction.  _ You crossed your leg over the other. 

“Dunno,” you responded. “I’ve been into my book today. Haven’t read in a while.” You met his eyes. “Then Rose got me watching that show she’s been on about. She calls  _ all the time.”  _

“Speaking of calling,” he glances to the phone on the table, “we’ll need to get you a new one of these soon, hm?” You nodded. 

“Yeah, we can head out whenever, or just you. Whatever you want,” you said. He rolled his eyes up to yours, a single brow lifting.

“We don’t need to go today. Just tell your sister she needs to call on the house phone and I’ll do the same for a bit. I’m pretty busy to go out of my way to do it. You don’t mind, right?” Light grinned.  _ Oh, the fucker.  _

With sole reliance on the landline, there was no excuse not to answer when he called, which could be at any time during the day. If you you did, something was obviously up. You ground your teeth together behind a tight smile. 

“Sure, Light. No problem.” He made a fist around the device before approaching the trash can and discarding it within. Light spared you one last glance before turning his back to you and heading in his office’s direction. 

Words spoke silently in the air again.  _ I know what you did,  _ they said.  _ Don’t do it again.  _ You rubbed your hands down your face, uncrossing your legs and ducking your head between them. There was nothing more you wanted to do than scream. 

It wasn’t like you were particularly clever with your excuses. Something was obviously suspicious with your behavior, but there was  _ no  _ sign to say what exactly you were doing. How does he know exactly what you were up to?

...Unless he didn’t. Unless he was bluffing with his actions to get the read off you to see if his unspoken prediction was correct. Unless he was bluffing  _ about  _ his bluff and knew but wanted you to think he was bluffing and- 

You raked your hands through your scalp. 

Your life was glorious with Light Yagami. 

  
  



	2. Obaasan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> connect with me on tumblr https://uhhhhyandere.tumblr.com/ if u want 
> 
> all experiences of disassociation are based on my own experiences, but i do know they vary amongst people!

Light didn't mention the newspaper article, but he definitely knew about it. There virtually was no way he wouldn't. In the span of the next few days, more op-eds and information leaks dropped centered around the project. Who really was behind it? Was the cult really so openly conducting this immense dedication, did they have so much power and influence, or was all the attention media gave to them just legitimizing their operations? 

You gave up on trying to ignore it. The little ball perpetually bouncing around your gut pulled you into the spiral. Unanswered questions and speculations circled local and national news. It was secretive who the donations came from. The majority from third-party benefactors who were most likely conglomerates of countless contributions put together. Definitely not Friends of Kira _,_ _you're sure._

Rose was useless, as always. Any questions you posed to her were quickly shut down or ignored. It was fair enough. You did the same thing to her whenever she pestered you about your schedule and relationship with Light. You guessed you both had secrets to hide. 

As for you, you were still left cell phone-less in the house. Whatever Light was thinking that day, you still had no idea. It wasn't like you two ever talked about it. Maybe Light wanted to avoid the inevitable confrontation associated with it, or perhaps _you_ did, or he just already knew you learned your lesson. One of those strings he pulled quietly.

One of those strings you allowed him to pull quietly. 

"On-site construction will commence in one month's time," the reporter informed. "As you can see behind me, protesters have set up around the east side of the site with proper face coverings to keep their identities sealed. Signs that say to not deify a mass murderer and rise up against Kira's order have brought onto society. There have been no instances of violence thus far." 

_Thus far._ You doubted Light would do anything rash about the protest. Perhaps, if he felt particularly forthcoming, he would make an example of one or two should their identities be available. With the task force's network, they most likely were. Light was smarter than that, though. He might wait for a single defined leader to take shape if they were dumb enough to have a singular leader. 

Then, there were the Friends of Kira. A little more of an uncontrolled force. Would they act in Kira's name? People who do that tended to piss him off. If they were innovative and connected enough to round the _supposed, yet unconfirmed,_ donations to this project, then maybe they did have a brain or two to know that to act in his name is a death wish onto themselves. 

You scratched the back of your neck, setting the book down on your lap. Wouldn't this construction be acting in his name? Was whoever was behind it, _definitely_ not Friends of Kira, lucky enough that Light doesn't mind the people doing as they pleased to worship him? Well, technically, it was an act of his followers, not him, per se. There was no declaration that it was his will to be done. No mention of his intervention at all, so maybe it wasn't acting in his name? 

The thought of asking him flashed through your skull, but you shook your head. You didn't _want_ to know; you didn't want to get sucked back in. Not voluntarily, at least. The strict silence on things that permeated the very air around you two was to stay that way. There was no way you could allow yourself to give in, to normalize this entire thing. You didn't deserve happiness, false or not. You _should_ suffer. 

But, god, you didn't want to. 

Your hands cupped your skull, nails lightly tearing the skin, and piling it beneath the crescents. _Why did I even survive?_ Perhaps it would have been a good thing to be ignorant and allowed Light to use you and throw you away, just like the others. Though cruel deaths, they're now over. Even Misa, whose whereabouts were still unknown to you, was someone you were slightly jealous of though you were sure if she was alive, she was burning green for you. 

Maybe it'd be far easier if things all just… went away. Possibly then Light would be the one to suffer for once if he'd even feel anything to find his most incredible blessing to have ruined something he believed he _deserved._

 _No,_ your stomach felt uneasy just thinking about it. It felt uneasy just thinking about _who_ and _what_ waited for you on the other side. Oliver, Takeda, the former task force, _your father,_ the list went on. Even the hundreds of thousand lives were partially on your head. You did not want to meet them, but you also did not want to live out your days as so. 

_How...how could you not want to live with the person you love most?_ Your teeth buried into your bottom lip, arms falling to your side as you limply fell back against the couch. Your eyes stared at everything and nothing. 

There was no question anymore. You loved him. Of course, you did, but did you love someone who ever loved you back? _Has he even said it? Did his actions even tell you?_ Well, there was something there. That much you were sure of—something that kept you to him, something that kept you _alive._

Maybe you should ask him. 

…

…

…

..

.

"...Y/N?" Light stood above you, waving his hand in front of your face. ... _When did he get there?_

"Light," you muttered. "Sorry. Did you just get back?" Your voice was heavy with what sounded like sleep. He furrowed his brows. 

"I've been home for half an hour," he replied. You looked him head to toe. He was out of his jacket and tie and into wind pants and a long sleeve tee.Did you really miss him coming back? 

"I didn't even hear you." His eyes speckled around your figure. Was he trying to find something on your person? "Sorry I don't know. Maybe I fell asleep." 

"With your eyes open?" You shrugged and rolled your head around with a few cracks to your neck. Light grimaced at the sound but didn't comment. "Nevermind. I'm guessing you didn't hear what I said before, either." You shook your head. "I need you to come with me this weekend. It's my mother's sister's birthday. They keep asking about you." You nodded. 

"That's fine." Silence. You locked your gaze on the plant in the corner of the room despite the feel of his eyes on you. His look made you feel nothing more than sick right now. "Is there something else?" 

"No," he replied, and his footsteps receded to his office. 

…

…

...

..

.

You jumped yourself out of your trance. Eyes wide, you glanced around the room. Moonlight filtered in through the windows. _What time was it?_ You lifted yourself to peek at the clock from the cable box. 22:33. 

You rubbed your face with your palms. You just needed to sleep. Lifting yourself from the spot that indeed had your rear imprinted on it, you folded the blanket you were using before shutting the lights off and retreating up the stairs. 

The lamp on Light's side of the bed illuminated. Brown eyes trailed across the pages of the book in his hands. Before they could lift, you scurried to the bathroom and shut the door. You hoped by the time you left, the light peeking under the crack in the door would shut off; however, after the longest tooth brushing session and face washing of your life, it was still on. _He'll be suspicious if I take any longer or if I shower. I always shower in the morning or when he's gone._ You sighed and reemerged. Light did not regard you as you lifted the tightly tucked blankets and snuck underneath. You turned your back to him. 

"Do you know my family?" He asked. You only tilted your head slightly towards him, face still looking at the wall in front of you. 

"Just from what you've told me. Your mom's side is bigger and more present here because… hm, your dad moved here to be with your mom. He was originally from Yokohama, so most of his side is still there, right? I met some at the… funeral." You yawned. "I don't remember your mom's too well. I only met your aunt there, too." 

"I see," he mumbled. 

"You don't need to remind me to behave. You know I will. If that's all, night." You settled back over. It wasn't long after that Light shut his light off and turned his back to yours. 

"Are you ready?" Light leaned against the closet entryway in slim-fitting dark pants, an unbuttoned beige shirt with a white tee underneath, and a jacket over. You almost tripped while slipping your leg through the pant leg but caught yourself on the wall and glared behind you. 

"Yes," you spit out, "as long as you don't give me a concussion beforehand, I'll be done in a minute." He didn't move from the door as you zipped the jeans up, looped the belt, and adjusted your shirt. "There, see? All done." You opened your arms and presented yourself. "Don't tell me I need to change. It's not formal, right?" 

"No, not at all." His stare unabashedly slithered up your legs, over your chest, and to your unimpressed yet burning face.

"S-stop staring like that," you hid your torso with your arms. "Don't we need to leave if we want to make it through traffic? Didn't you mention they live outside the city?" You brushed past him, and diligently descended the stairs. Light followed while the flicking of the lights and shutting the doors. By the time he met you, you already grabbed the keys and had the key-ring around your index finger, holding them out for him. 

"You don't want to drive?" 

"Oh, I didn't realize you wanted to die today." You pushed your finger closer to him. With a smirk, he dragged the metal from your finger and led you out the door. 

"We're going to my Sobo's house. My family is small, so it shouldn't be too terrible. Sobo, though she's... _traditional_ , to say the least."

"I didn't know any of your parents'... parents were still alive. Did I meet them at your dad's funeral?" Light shook his head and tapped his fingers against the steering wheel. 

"No, just my mom's mom is alive. Like I said, she's a very traditional, family-oriented lady. I'm sure she's going to be nosey." You grinned tightly. You moved to Japan not even a decade ago and spent four of those years back home. There was hardly much assimilation outside what you knew was obviously not common practice, so basically, you were going to stand out. Hard. You huffed.

"...And you didn't want to tell me until now? Bit late, huh?" You grimaced. You never thought that you'd get to the point where you were thinking about how you would impress his folks besides his immediate family. It never was your primary focus. "Alright, on a scale of 1-10, how screwed do you think I am?" Light pursed his lips in thought. 

"Eight. Nine if you manage to trip over the step they have right after the entranceway. Ten if you spill any tea on you or burn your tongue." You clicked your tongue. 

"No faith in me," you replied. "Is there anything I should avoid talking about? Mind the obvious." His infamous smirk appeared, and he glanced at you.

"Not to sound cocky—."

"Not _you_."

"Anyway, my cousins are a little bit jealous of me. All of them. My mom has one sister younger than her with one boy and one girl, Genichi and Mura. Genichi is the oldest of us all, then me, Sayu, and Mura. The fact that I'm not the oldest grandson but still the favorite pesters them and their parents and that I'm conceivably more successful than them." He paused. "But there are still aspects my grandmother will call out even with me." 

"Don't tell me that she's about to bodyshame both of us? With my grandparents, it was always 'oh, you only ate _three_ pieces of my pumpkin pie and not seven? It must be terrible. I knew I was an awful baker.' Mind you, this would generally be _after_ I was already force-fed dinner." Not that Light Yagami had a traditionally shamed body, but anybody with _any body_ can be a victim of it. You glanced down his body. If anything, it's _improved_ since high school and college. _Was he really working out more?_

"See something you like?"

"No," you replied quickly and twisted your head the other way. "You should be _seeing_ the road, and only the road." 

Infrequent banter filled the rest of the way to the countryside. You spent most of the driver appreciating feeling the wind rush through the open window and the sun on your skin, crossing your arms and leaning against the opening, letting your head fall onto your elbow. It's been _forever_ since the wind blew your locks as so.

But the silence always got to your head. The spaces in between your conversations plagued you with terrible possibilities. Slips of the tongue upon a tough question or a small stutter in the wrong place. Would he be mad? Would he expect perfection? You shivered at the thought of thinking back and having to explain how you met and how you got together and... _fuck._ You needed to keep talking. That way, your mind wouldn't swallow you whole. 

"Is this it?"

Of course, his grandmother's house would be huge. Light pulled into the mostly wooden house, trees lining the properties perimeter. _It really was fucking huge._ With the sizeable triangle-shaped roof capping a broad foundation, it was an extremely traditional house. Their closest neighbors were about a kilometer down the path. Cars already piled in the driveway. "Are we late?"

"No, everyone is just early. As always. It's not often we get together, after all. They're all trying to suck up to her with their accomplishments. Most likely before I get there." Putting the car into park, he exited the vehicle, and you followed suit. "Don't be too nervous when you inevitably get bombarded with questions. You're the first person anyone has brought here, so they'll get... _excited."_ He clicked his tongue. "And since you're _so_ good under pressure, I'm sure we'll be fine."

"Well, maybe if you said something _earlier,_ we'd be better off!" You hissed. "You think everything ahead. _Everything,_ but now you decided that it's time to think of things last minute? Are you trying to make a fool of me? Do you like to add more stress to my life?" The car beeped twice behind you.

"You really haven't been in the talking mood lately," he responded. "Unless I've been reading you wrong. Have I?" You looked away. "What I thought, so chin up, love." He wrapped his fingers around yours. "Stick by me, and you'll be fine." He glanced ahead and kissed the side of your head. 

"Oh, Light!" Sayu waved happily from the entryway. Behind her wheelchair was a male you didn't recognize.

"Genichi," he whispered to you. "Hey, guys. Sorry, looks like we're a bit late. Someone took too long this morning," Light laughed and nudged your shoulder with his own. _Ugh._ Back to the public golden boy act. It made you sick to your stomach. 

"Can you two stop being adorable for two seconds?" Sayu laughed. "Y/N! I've missed you. It's way been too long since we've seen you! Oh, Genichi, this is Y/N. Light's _girlfriend."_ Where Light was lean, cold, and elegant, Genichi was broad, warm, and ruggish with a soft brown undercut with freckles dotting across his cheeks and deep dimples while he smiled at you. 

"Nice to meet you," he greeted. "Sayu told us a bit about you, but we're excited to get to know you better. It isn't all that often Light brings someone along with him." You grinned politely. "Everyone is here already." Genichi wheeled Sayu back inside, and you followed, Light's hand steady on your waist. It tightened when you lost your balance on a step you didn't even notice, keeping you on your feet as you continued into the home as if it never happened. 

"Nine," he muttered. 

The room was open and expansive, letting in ample amounts of fresh, pine air and sunlight as were traditional houses. The eldest woman sat in the middle of the sole table with her family spread evenly around her. A low table was nestled away unfittingly in the corner. Sachiko and what looked _exactly_ like her sat directly on her right and left, followed by her sister's husband. Across the table, Genichi wheeled Sayu to sit across from her mother and returned to his spot across from his own mother and two open spots away from Sayu. 

"Sobo, hello," Light bowed. "I'm sorry I haven't been able to visit often enough. Work and life keep me confined to the city. This is Y/N." You copied Light's movements. _Monkey see monkey do._

"Obaasan, it's nice to meet you finally," you said, breathing deeply to maintain your beating heart. Deep-set, cunning eyes trained on you. "My name is Y/N. Please... uh... treat me well." Wordlessly, she nodded her head towards the open seats while the audience released their held breaths all at once. Between Light and his sister, you were not directly in front of his grandmother, _thank fuck._ Though Sayu assured in a hushed breath, she was the kindest soul you couldn't brush off the stiff nerves binding your muscles still.

"Relax. You're so brittle you look like you'll snap. Just breathe." His breath was soft against your hair. _Geez, is it that obvious?_ By the way your hands were shaking as you poured tea into your cup, yes, you really were. You folded them together on your lap to steady them, squeezing the other harshly. You hoped to angle yourself behind Light's frame to hide. At the same time, he melted flawlessly into the atmosphere, laughing and bantering with Genichi and his uncle. Though, even with his eyes on everyone but you, his hand, warm from the cup, topped your tightening fists and squeezed. You looked to him, but he was laughing at whatever unfunny joke he had to laugh at. 

Sayu's presence was a breath of fresh air. It took her no effort to include you in the conversation, and she guided you through them with quick interruptions and questions that were easy to answer. Light, of course, was useless. _Purposely._ He didn't need to have you explain to his family the reasons you decided to get together with him, nor did you need to spell out your entire resume to his uncle when he asked Light what you pursued in college. Light enjoyed watching you flounder when you had to explain the central dogma and your former research with the computation of protein unfolding in simple terms. 

"Someone just as intelligent as Light," Mura, Genichi's younger sister, awed. "Of course. You must be busy, then, with that complex research." You scratched up and down your arm. 

"Oh, I... I quit pretty recently, actually. I just finished training my replacement." Light's aunt smiled and leaned forward. 

"Light, you said you live together, right?" Light nodded. "Ah, so you must be focusing on other things, then! I can't imagine you picked up many life skills in math and science. I began to broaden my experiences around your age too!" You held back a scowl. The _very_ last thing you wanted to do was _broaden your experiences_ within the household. You didn't even _like_ to be in the house. To begin doing chores that Light would ultimately end up critiquing you on before doing it himself or to cook meals Light will simply say he can do better and do it himself would just make you accept and fill the dutiful role carved out for you. "It must be nice coming home to someone with your stressful job, Light. I'm glad you found someone." Opting out of reacting, you reached for your cup and brought it to your lips.

"When will you be getting married then?" You choked. Spluttering, you set the cup down roughly and stifled the coughs into your elbow. Drops flew from your mouth onto your clothes. It wasn't until your first clear inhale you realized the table fell silent. "Just like you, Genichi, Light is getting old, as am I, and I have yet to attend a wedding." Your trachea collapsed. _It must have._ You blamed the fact you could not breathe properly on the tea. This is where Light came in handy. He chuckled and kept a composure only he could. 

"I can't tell you that, Soba. It needs to be a surprise for everyone." The entire table seemed to tilt in his direction, wanting to fish more information from his brain. You stilled and hyperfocused on the dark streaks in the wood. "I can't say anymore. I'm sorry." 

"But you're... _planning on it?"_ Sayu could hardly contain herself. From the corner of your eye, you can see her struggling to hold back her smile. "Sorry, sorry! I won't ask anything else! Just clarifying!" She held her hands up in surrender. "Forget I asked." 

"I see," Light's grandmother began. "Y/N, how many kids do you want?" _Oh my god, no._ Before you can freeze like a deer in headlights, Light pinched your arm lightly, and you jolted.

"Even," you said. "I mean, an even number. I don't want to have a kid that's left out because of numbers like on a roller coaster or something. Two, most likely." Just the image you wanted in your head. Having _more_ people with Light's genes in the world _and_ under his influence was a real nightmare. No way would actually happen..., _right?_ Your eyes trailed to Light, who had the same polite mask as always. _No way I'm going to ask. No way._ You were sure the domestic family life disgusted him. Does a god have kids? Zeus came to mind... 

You weren't going to think about it. 

"You've put thought into it before then?" _Traditional, family-oriented women._

"Yes, of course. Family is very important to me. I stay in close relations with my remaining family, so I've thought about my own." Though you were no Light, lying still came easy to you. 

"I see, and you've recently left your job as well?" You nodded, and you noted the small smile on her face. Though she continued to grill you about motivations, previous relationships (which was a short topic), aspirations, family history, assimilation, and your Western heritage, you kept your answers short and proper. Overexplaining would just cause you to double-back on something or force her to inquire _more._ You needed this to end as quickly as possible. You fretted over every word, the syntax, and the semantics. There was a constant point of contact between you and Light, whether his hand was on your arm, pinching you when you were getting too nervous or on your back, rubbing when you were too stiff. He knew every cue, every sign of discomfort the second is showed. 

Her attention finally delved into Genichi's relationship status. Your shoulders relaxed, and you sighed into your lap. She didn't dig again for the rest of the function, and Light managed to scrounge a plausible excuse for you two to be the first ones to leave. You've never been more thankful to slide into the passenger seat. 

"I don't think I deserved that 9 rating," you said. Light's hand gripped your seat's headrest, and he twisted his body to back out. He briefly met your eyes while he shifted the gear into drive and sat back comfortably. 

"Ten," he corrected. "Chocked on tea, remember?" Ah yes, how could you forget? "But no, you didn't do terribly, but my grandma went easy on you. You're welcome." You scoffed. "Oh, come on. Why do you think I made you explain from across the table everything my bothersome uncle asked? She wouldn't have asked you favorable questions as he did. It endeared her to you from the get-go." 

It was so frustrating. It really could never be _just_ you, huh? He always acted like he was your crutch like he was _necessary_ for your success. Without him, you would absolutely fail. You clenched your teeth but withheld your mouth from opening violently. You inhaled and exhaled, body going lax. _Just change the subject._

"Were you serious?" You asked, instead. He shrugged. 

"Does it matter? Ring or no ring, paper or not, you're still mine." Your tongue ran along your teeth. "What difference would it really make? Unless you're into that stuff. _Mrs. Yagami,_ huh?" There was a small smirk on his lips. 

It was so, _so_ frustrating. 


End file.
